Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says:

- I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says:

- Do you wanna tell him, or should I?

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.

- If I gave you $20 - the teacher began, and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?

- An orgy - Johnny answered.

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to the little boy in the second row, he said:

- I'll give you a hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth, and then it's in your tummy.

The teacher smiled and said:

- OK, Dick, sit down.

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.

- Doctor, - she said - I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?

- Easy, - said the doctor - Just take the carpet off the floor.

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.

Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked:

- You wanna play doctor?

Johnny replied:

- NO, that too old fashioned. Spit out you gum, I wanna play president.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

- Why do you do that, Mommy?

- To make myself beautiful - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

- What's the matter? - asked Little Johnny.

- Giving up?

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

- Back ladies, back! - cried the leader.

- There's a very dangerous beast out there!

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

- Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!

- WOW! - exclaimed the oldest of the group.

- I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said:

- I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it.

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said:

- Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut.

The young man waited a moment and then replied:

- You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.

The rabbi said:

- Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.