Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Nope, no laundry - the boy said

- I'm going to wash my dog!

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

- Well - the boy replied

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh? What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed:

- Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?

The older boy replied:

- As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon.

At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said:

- Have you two learned your lesson?

- Sure, Dad! - said the big brother - But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.

- Ah yes! - said the farmer - BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!

- Dad, can i ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that i should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No.

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope.

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wears.......!

- David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!?

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

St. Paul, MN

The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.

Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.

- I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat - Ryan said Thursday.

- I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could.

The man ran. Ryan called 911.

Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies:

- I love you.

The teacher says:

- Isn't that sweet - and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says:

- It means, You are special.

- Thank you sweetheart - the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says:

- Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!.

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said:

- My father's dead, Miss.

- Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?

- He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed.

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.

- So how was it? - Elaine asked when they returned home.

- Great - Little Jordan replied.

- Did you and your father have a good time? - asked Elaine.

- Yeah, Daddy especially liked it - exclaimed Jordan, excitedly - especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

- Dad - the boy said finally - if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ...

- Yes, son? - the father said expectantly.

- What bus should I take home? - the boy finished.