Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

- Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

- Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said:

- I've lost my dad!

The cop said:

- What's he like?

The little boy replied:

- Beer and women!

- Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: Of course not!

- Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

- Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with I.

- Little Johnny: I is...

- Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say I am.

- Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

- What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?

- It's mean! - the boy sniffed

- My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!

- That's awful indeed! - the lady replied angrily

- Your father is a real bastard!

- Yes - said the little boy

- He had promised to me that I could do it.

- Teacher: Why are you late?

- Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

- Teacher: What sign?

- Little Johnny: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow. That's what I did.

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.

In her most reassuring voice, she said:

- The computer wants to know what your name is - then she walked over to the next child.

The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered:

- My name is David.