Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:

- Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

- God Almighty! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary:

- Who is our Lord and Savior, but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again.

- Jesus Christ! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question:

- What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted:

- If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

1. Because baby eats. Eating is a messy job for a baby. If you wrap a baby in a towel sized bib...baby will find the tiny gap of space left around the neck and dump food in.
2. Because baby sleeps. Sleeping is an unplanned job for baby. If you don't have a clean dry diaper on baby when baby decides to doze...or even if you do...baby will figure out a way to sleep and still whiz on everything.
3. Because baby drools. Baby may look clean to the unexpecting admirer... but beware of picking up the little water fountain unless your clothing has flood insurance.
4. Because baby moves. If your house is spotless...baby will find spot.
5. Because baby has Grandma. Grandma thinks the little suit with ears and a tail is SOOOOOO CUTE!!! Not to mention the Santa suit, pumpkin suit, turkey suit, bunny suit, or cowboy suit.
6. Because baby grows. Size 1 today...size 3 on Wednesday...
7. Because baby things disappear. Even washing machines enjoy a light lunch once in a while.
8. Because baby has relatives. Aunt Bertha made a bright orange sundress out of wool for baby. Gee...let's see if the washing machine has eaten today...
9. Because baby hates getting dressed. If mom cannot get baby in and out of clothing easily and quickly during any part of any day or night...that set of annoying clothing will be gift wrapped and sent to one of the in-laws..
10. Because baby travels. It is not humanly possible to carry around all of the clothing a baby will need. Therefore, stashes of baby clothing must be hidden all over the neighborhood. (If you happen to find someone else's stash and the clothes look cleaner...just trade...they will probably be too tired to notice...)

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:

- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

- Maybe so - said the little boy - But then I'd lose my siren!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Agatha!

- Agatha who?

- Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Agnes!

- Agnes who?

- Agnes, Topeka, and the Santa Fe!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alfred!

- Alfred who!

- Alfred the needle if you sew!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ali!

- Ali who?

- Ali, Ali oxen free!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alice!

- Alice who?

- I'm Alice chasing rainbows....!

Why are astronauts successful people?
→ Because they always go up in the world!

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop.

- Quick! - shouted the tailor to his assistant. Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!

What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels?
→ A monster on roller-skates.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Cyril

- Cyril who?

- Cyril thing - no imitations here!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Cod

- Cod who?

- Cod red-handed!