Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.

The teacher says:

- Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.

Teacher says:

- Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said:

- Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

- What do you want for breakfast? - asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied:

- i'll have some of those fucken thanks.

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

- Now what do you want for breakfast? - the dad asked the other twin.

- Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure - the twin replied.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother:

- Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

- That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you.

Johnny comes back from school crying and says:

- Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head.

His mother replies:

- No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.

At dinner, Seth said to his father:

- Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your fault.

- How's that? - asked the master of the house.

- Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?

- Yeah, I remember.

- Well, 'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer.

What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin?
→ Flatman and Ribbon!

What do they have for lunch at Monster School?
→ Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.

What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
→ Anything you like - he can't hear you.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Cumin

- Cumin who?

- Cumin side, its freezing out there!