Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir, I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ It has a 12 month waiting list.

What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
→ A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
→ Regular rocks are too heavy.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
→ Because they're always a little short.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
→ He's Dublin over with laughter!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
→ He couldn't afford plane fare.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
→ Patty O'furniture!

How did the Irish Jig get started?
→ Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

I knew this guy. He was a sound guy from Ireland.

He spoke to me one day and told me he was going to apply for a job.

He told me that he walked out because the guy asked me for my name and i said "Paddy Milligan". He said "How do you spell "Milligan"? he replied

- Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?

- No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."

"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, "I'm Irish."

"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.

"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."

To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"

"Brendan O'Connor."

"Same as mine. Where are you from?"

"County Cork."

"Same as me......" The policeman paused with his pen in the air. "Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."