Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said:

- I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said:

- Who are you??

Mrs. Riley replied:

- I am the devil!

With that, Riley shook her hand and said:

- Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.

- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.

- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.

- Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again:

- Well, does the man beat you up?

- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.

- Oi'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:

- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.

- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.

- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

- Ah, well now - said the lady.

- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot)

Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says:

- Jazus Mick... Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!.

Mick says to Paddy:

- No Problem... Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!

- OK! - says Paddy.

- Where are we then?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North

- Brilliant! - replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks:

- Where are we now Mick?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction.

Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks:

- Where are we now Mick?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick... Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One.

Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says:

- That was Brilliant... But... Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats

- Well! - said Mick...

- When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said:

- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said:

- Why? Don't ye believe me?!?

- Young man - said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.

- It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!

- I'm glad to hear you say that - replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.

- Everybody else says it's all my fault!

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth:

- I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.

The Pope says:

- No way. You can't do that.

The Queen says:

- Watch this.

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking:

- Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says:

- I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.

The Queen goes:

- No way, it can't be done.

So the Pope headbutts her.

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

- What are ye doing? - asked O'Bannon.

- Fishin' - said MacAndrews.

- Caught anything?

- Ach, nae a bite,

- What are ye usin' fer bait?

- Worms

- Let me see it - said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

- Have ye got a bite? - asked O'Bannon.

- No! - shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, - The worm's got a salmon by the throat!

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

- Aidan - said the neighbor.

- I never knew you were so strong.

- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down:

- What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?

- Why, Dad - said Frances.

- Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!

- Well, next time - roared Phelan.

- just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:

- Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed:

- Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.

The blond opened his lunch and said:

- Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said:

- If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also wept and said:

- I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said:

- Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.