Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.

"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.

- Do you believe that? - The workman exclaimed.

"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house.

- Ah, what a pity - the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply:

- For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

- Just plant your potatoes.

Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.

Five minutes later he said:

- Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.

A moment later:

- Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder:

- Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

- I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total - says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says:

- I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said:

- I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks:

- I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains:

- well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.

The Irishman says:

- Fill it up with water.

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.

- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said:

- Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said:

- Why? Don't ye believe me?!

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

- Top of the mornin' to yer, sir - says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

- What are those? - asks the attendant.

- They're called tees - replies Tiger.

- Well, what on the god's earth are dey for? - inquires the Irishman.

- They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving - says Tiger.

- Fookin Jaysus - says the Irishman - BMW thinks of everything!

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

- Hooray! - shouted the guide.

- Here comes man's best friend!

- Yeah - said Mulvaney.

- An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!