Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly:

- Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said:

- Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.

And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified.
And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped:

- I don't understand it!

The young beauty answered:

- Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.

Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.

The first task was to set the poles. The Supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Supervisor. The Supervisor inquired of him how many poles had been set by his team. He answered 48. The Supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done...

Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the Superivsor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Supervisor.

- How many poles did your group set? - He asked.

- Two. - Replied the Blonde forewoman.

- What! Just, two! - exclaimed the Supervisor.

- The Italians set 48 poles, and the Irishmen set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?

- It may be true the Italians and Irishmen buried more poles than us - replied the Blonde.

- But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying:

- Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?

Father Patrick told the farmer:

- No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick replied:

- Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic.

Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked:

- Have I got all ye say there?

The agent said:

- Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?

Replied Murphy:

- Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with.

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said:

- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

- What is it, child?

The girl said:

- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said:

- My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
→ He's the one with patches over both eyes.

How do you sink an Irish submarine?
→ Knock on the hatch.

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

- Paddy - he said:

- I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.

- Really, Father? - slurred Paddy.

- What have you done?

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
→ Third grade.