Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
→ They were riverdancing.

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. "I'll have fish and chips twice," he orders. "Sure, I heard you the first time," came the reply.

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
→ His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."