Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
→ Paddy O'Furniture!

"And how's yer wife, Pat?"

"Sure, she do be awful sick."

"Is ut dangerous she is?"

"No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five." At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you." The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me about it."

Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ There's a 12-month waiting list.

An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY.
So he went in and applied for the job!

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leprechaun?
→ The Easter Blarney!

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."