Irish Jokes — most viewed jokes

An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said.

"Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!

"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn!
There goes another one!"

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.

The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.

"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"

"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."

"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."

"Nor swim either," added the widow.

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.

Pat enters the confessional and says, 'Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.

The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 'no, Father', was the reply.

'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? Again the reply was 'No, Father'.

'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? Pat said, Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects'!

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"