Gender Jokes — most viewed jokes

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

When do men insist that women are illogical?
→ When a woman doesn't agree with them.

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.

The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.

The transexual replied:

- Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....

- Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?

- Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.

- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer

- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

- I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

- Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

- Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug

- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

- Sounds great - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.