Gender Jokes — most viewed jokes

Women's English:

- Yes = No

- No = Yes

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

- We need to talk = I need to complain.

- Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.

- I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

- I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

- I'm tired = I'm tired.

- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

- What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

- I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

- I love you. = Let's have sex now.

- I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

- (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

- I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
→ Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

Man says to God:

- God, why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says:

- So you would love her.

- But God, why did you make her so dumb? - the man says

God says:

- So she would love you.

- But God, why did you make her so dumb? - the man says

God says:

- So she would love you.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells:

- PIG!

The man immediately leans out his window and replies:

- Stupid!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.