Gender Jokes — most viewed jokes

Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

How many men does it take to mop the floor?
→ None, it's a women's job.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.

They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, "I got something, I got something!"

So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, "If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish." Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree.

The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, "I want you to double my IQ." The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months.

So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, "I want you to tripple my IQ." So the Mermaid says, "No problem." snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer.

So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, "I want you to quadruple my IQ."

The Mermaid looks at him and says, "Are you sure about this? I'm not so sure you want to do that." But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, "You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or we're not letting you go."

So the Mermaid sighs and says, "Whatever you want."

She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
→ "Practice makes perfect."

What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.