Food Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
→ It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

• Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8 oz. skim milk
• Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herb tea, 1 Oreo cookie
• Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package, 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce
• Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke, 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza, 3 Snickers bars
• Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'

The other one replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.'

A blonde went in the library and walked up to the librarian behind the desk and said, "I would like a cheeseburger."

The librarian replied, "Shh! This is a library!"

The blonde blushed. "oh, sorry.." then she whispered, "I would like a cheeseburger."

What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink?
→ Gravi-tea!

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- This bread is stale.

- It wasn't last week.

The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in.

- "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!"

- "You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm trying to eat them. Where did we get these slaves anyway?"

- "From the country next door," replied the servant.

- "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith."

- "We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you."

- "Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough," said the king.

How did Black eye peas get their name?
→ They were fighting over the Chick peas!