Food Jokes — most viewed jokes

Where does Peter Pan eat?
→ Wendy's

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombers sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.

The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.

Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?
→ With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts".

"No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

"But I want it MY way." says the man.

"What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.

The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans."

"I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

"WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

Subject: You Deserve a Break Today

San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.

The high court held that under the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."

Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
→ An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
→ A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."