Food Jokes — most viewed jokes

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
→ A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.

The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers

1. Glazed
2. Jelly
3. Powdered
4. Chocolate Frosted

BREAKFAST

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed zucchini
• 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

• rest of the package of Oreo cookies
• 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
• 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way candy bars
• 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
→ Reservations.