Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered.
'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back.
'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
→ Chump chops!

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Few women admit their age...few men act theirs.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"

Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk."

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?"

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"

A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:

- Caller: What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?

- HD: Data Entry.

- Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

- Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??

- Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

- Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager...

"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
→ Shot it!

- Motorist: Does a deer have a horn?

- Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.

- Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Are your parents cousins?

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition.

He telephoned the dealer. "Which is the cheapest window to break?" he asked.

"You don't have to break any of the windows," explained the dealer. "I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together."

"No, no!" shouted the new car owner. "I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!"

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.