Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques.

This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days.

At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:

- Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.

- Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.

- Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.

- Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.

- Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.

- Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.

- Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.

- Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?

- Krachevski: Ya! Ya!

- Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?

- Krachevski: Most certainly.

- Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?

- Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!"

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

"Hold it!", says Dummer.

"Why are you throwing all those nails away?"

"Because.", says Dum. "The heads are on the wrong end."

"You dummy!", replies Dummer.

"Those are for the other side of the house!"

Yo mamma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

My brother-in-law replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!"

Once again, my brother in-law says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
→ SPEED!

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) lead an army or
   (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
   (a) Westerners
   (b) Southerners
   (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Wall Mart
    (b) Kmart
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) Minnnesota
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    (a) B.C
    (b) A.D.

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.

"Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton.

"I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain."

"Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather."

"It don't leak then!"

• A medical mystery.
• A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
• A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
• A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
• A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
• A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
• A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
• A notch off the timing mark.
• A one-bit brain with a parity error.
• A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
• A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• A quart low.
• A return with no gosub.
• A room temperature IQ.
• A semitone flat on the high notes.
• A square with only three sides.
• A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.
• A teapot with a cracked lid.
• A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
• A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
• A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
• A victim of retroactive birth control.
• A violin minus the bow.
• A walking argument for birth control.
• A wind-up clock without a key.
• About half smart.
• Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
• Airhead / bubble-brain.
• Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.