Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed."

Elsewhere...

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland...

Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .

• Lights not burning too bright.
• Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
• Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
• Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
• Likes dunking for french fries.
• Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
• Lives in La-la-land.
• Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
• Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
• Long on dry wall, short on studs.
• Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
• Looks for the "Any" key.
• Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
• Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
• Low on thinking gas.
• Low-bandwidth as an information source.
• Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
• Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
• Mainspring's wound too tight.
• Makes a black hole look bright.
• Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
• Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
• Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
• Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
• Metronome needs oil.
• Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
• Mind like a steel sieve.
• Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

• Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
• Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
• Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
• Not done evolving yet.
• Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
• Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
• Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
• Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
• Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
• Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
• Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
• Not hard-docked.
• Not inflated to 90 PSI.
• Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
• Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
• Not only rude, but ugly too.
• Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
• Not running on full thrusters.
• Not shooting pool on a level table.
• Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
• Not the full quid.
• Not the same since they took him off his medication.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
• Not Turing equivalent.
• Not wrapped too tight.
• Nothing between the stethoscopes.
• Nothing on her radar.
• Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
• Number 'n a hake. (New England expression a notoriously stupid fish.)
• Nutty as a fruitcake.

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Yo mamma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and said "Hey, where's my gumball?"

- Are you going to take a bath?

- No, I'm leaving it where it is.

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"

The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"

Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"

To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
• Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
• "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
• "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
• Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
• "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
• "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
• "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom.
Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. "Where have you been?" demanded the worried look out. "The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn't find the soap and a towel."