Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

• $HOME = /dev/null.
• 3K RAM free, no EMS.
• A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
• A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
• A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
• A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
• A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
• A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
• A couple of slates short of a full roof.
• A couplet short of a sonnet.
• A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
• A day late and a dollar short.
• A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
• A doughnut short of being a cop.
• A few beads short in her rosary.
• A few beans short of chili.
• A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
• A few birds shy of a flock.
• A few blocks short of a filesystem.
• A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
• A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.
• A few chips short of a cookie.
• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few clues shy of a solution.
• A few cold solder joints.
• A few ears short of a bushel.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
• A few fish short of a string.
• A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

• If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
• If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
• If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
• If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
• If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
• If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
• If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
• If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
• If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
• If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
• If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
• If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
• If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
• If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
• If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
• If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
• If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
• If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• Ignorant, and proud of it.
• Immune from any serious head injury.
• Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
• In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
• In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
• In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

• Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
• Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
• Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
• Produces a zero-length core dump.
• Proof God has a sense of humor.
• Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
• Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
• Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
• Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
• Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
• Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
• Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
• Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
• Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
• Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
• Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
• Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
• Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
• Reset line is glitching.
• Result of a first cousin marriage.
• Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
• Room for rent, unfurnished.
• RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
• Running at 300 baud.
• Running on a 286.
• Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

The incredibly dumb ATT fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown?
→ Artificial intelligence!

• I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
• Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
• You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
• You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light.
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
• They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
• After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
• You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
• I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!

• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
• Needs front end alignment.
• Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
• Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
• Network constantly loses packets.
• Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
• Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
• Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
• Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
• Nine pence in the shilling.
• Nine rooms no furniture.
• Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
• No charge in her synapses.
• No coins in the old fountain.
• No filter in the coffeemaker.
• No grain in the silo.
• No hands on the rudder/yoke.
• No hay in the loft.
• No one at the throttle.
• No wind in her mind's windmills.
• Not all his dogs are barking.

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.

The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak.

"Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun."

This, of course was met with much ridicule.

They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!