Random joke from this category
A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.
- What does this have to do with my throat?
- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
- Oh.. Half a pack a day.
- Starting NOW, no more smoking.
The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.
- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.
- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.
The man is now really worried.
- Doc, is all this really necessary?
- Do you want to live long?
- Yes.
- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.
- Haven't you been examined like this before? asks the doctor.
- Many times, she giggles, but never by doctor!
- Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors.
- Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist.
A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr. Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr. Ivanov has passed away?"
"Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."
- Doctor, doctor, I'm at death's door!
- Don't worry, Mrs Jenkins. An operation will soon pull you through.
- Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
- Young dentist: Don't worry, it's my first extraction too.
"Doctor," said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!"
"How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked.
"Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41."
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
