Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar

- Don't worry you'll soon change!

- Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?

- You have a broken finger!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?
→ "You're fine, how am I?"

- Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother?

- Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

How many Borderline P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

- Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.

- Please sit on the couch.

- Which one!

- You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.

- That's because you've got your hand on my watch!