Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

- Patient: I'm really depressed.

- Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.

- Patient: Nothing is going well.

- Therapist: Nothing well.

- Patient: I feel like killing myself.

- Therapist: You're thinking of killing yourself.

- Patient: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.

- Therapist: You want to do it now.

- Patient: [Jumps out window.]

- Therapist: Woosh. Splat.

A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked.

"Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream."

"Do tell" said her neighbor, pouring the coffee.

"Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!"

"Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something" the neighbor said, with a grin.

"No" she said, "It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?"

"Sure" said the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that."

"Well anyway" she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me!

"Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and I'll be darned if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis."

"Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you live?"

"Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd be a vegetable the rest of my life."

- Doctor, should I file my nails?

- No, throw them away like everybody else.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular."

"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"

"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."

"Right again," the man said.

The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."

"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."

"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner.

The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34."

The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"

- Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?

- No, you should do it on a computer.

- Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?

- Absolutely nothing!

- Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!

- What, you mean those square ones?

- Yes!

- The ones you put butter on?

- Yes!

- Oh, You're Crackers!

- Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!

- Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!

"The trouble is," said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, "that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!"
"Then why don't you give up show business?"
"I can't - I'm a star!"