Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

- Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer.

- Well bring him in so I can cure him.

- I can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm God.

- When did this start?

- Well, first I created the sun, then the earth.

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

- Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it?

- Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

- Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish

- Poor sole!

- Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.

- Yes I can see you're not all there!

- I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.

- You only have one week left to live.

- Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?

- Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!

- Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

- Sell!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied... "Neither did I when I was a doctor!"