Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Which fish can perform operations?
→ Sturgeon!

- Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a racehorse.

- Take one of these every 4 laps!

- Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!

- Just simmer down!

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:

- How much is two plus two?

- Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.

Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: "Ten." The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy. Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

- Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!

- Certainly, which way did you come in?

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! How long have I got?

- Ten.

- Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!

- Nine...