Random joke from this category
Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!". Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
... next day... patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, " Patient says, "You've got a great house!"
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?"
"Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite!"
Psychiatrist:
Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.
"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman, "my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?"
"Quite simple," said the doctor calmly. "You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite, haul it out."
"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."
"What do you want a cod's head for?"
"Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!"
- Doctor, Doctor, I need something to keep my falling hair in.
- What about a matchbox!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
- Doc: Do you drink a lot?
- Not really - I spill most of it!
- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
- Then you'll have a bad headache.
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
- Doc: When did this start?
- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
- Doc: I never make rash promises!
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
- Doc: So what's wrong with that?
- I think I'm going to croak!
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
- Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking?
- Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
