Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied, "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

- Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

- Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

- Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

- Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

- Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life."

Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

"I'm in love with my horse," he said.

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"