Random joke from this category
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
- Doctor: What happened to you?
- I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!
- But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!
- Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!
A young woman said to her doctor,
- You have to help me, I hurt all over.
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
- Ow, that hurts.
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
- Ouch! That hurts, too.
Then she touched her right earlobe.
- Ow, even THAT hurts.
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
- Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
- Dentist: $100.00.
- Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
- Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
