Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."

"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

- Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

- Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

- Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

- Patient: Yes.

- Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

- Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

- Doctor: A shoebox.

- Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

- Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.

- Liz: I'm the examiner!

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

- Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?

- It's very simple. You're two tents.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctor at the pearly gates. The police man walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: um sorry we're sorta having a party so no

The doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says "I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: nope we're kinda busy right now

The lawyer walks up and says "I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?"

- Saint Peter: sure come on in! join the party!

The police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask "why'd he get in and not us?"

- Saint Peter: we dont get many of his kind around here.

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."