Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

- Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

- Patient: What problem?

A variation

- Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?

- Patient: What pills?

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says, "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks, "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."

- Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

- Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

A doctor fell into a well once.

He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.

- Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it."