Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said:

- Look, it's ok. She's not here!

What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?
→ Sparky

Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.

What's a famous saying at a gay bar?
→ May I push in your stool.

One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around his penis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctor says:

- I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give you something else.

So clinton takes the perscription and takes the pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in 3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescription he gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says:

- Rub this around the offending circle and come back tomorrow.

Clinton returns the next day and starts shouting:

- Wow! That stuff was terriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!

The docter then calmly replied:

- Lipstick remover.

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

What's the definition of a virgin?
→ An ugly third grader.

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
11. "Show me how you used to spank her."
12. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
13. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
14. "I just got my license today."
15. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
16. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
17. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
18. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
19. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton:

- Are you ready to order?

Clinton replies:

- Yes, I'd like a quickie.

- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.

- Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says:

- It's pronounced Quiche.