Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

- Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!

- Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me

- Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results

- My, that's a lot of..... - gasped Mrs. Smith.

- Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure

- Don't I know it - Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

- This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London

- Oh my God! - Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

- And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with

- She was difficult? - asked Mrs. Smith.

- Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look

- Four and five deep? - asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

- Yes - the photographer said - And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward:

- You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?

- That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.

- Tripod?????

- Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of a sudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tells the second, "Don't cum until I come back", and he rushes off to answer the door.

After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroom only to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. He says to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't going to cum until I came back." The second gay man says to the first, "I didn't cum, ........ I farted!"

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.

Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
→ None of them have closets to come out of.

How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??

K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude willget you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint:

- You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?

Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says:

- What your wish today?

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.

Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells:

- Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

- Look - he shouts - What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies:

- They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says:

- You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks:

- Well, how did it go?

To which the driver replies:

- It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.