Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do accountants make good lovers?
→ They're great with figures.

How many gay men does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1. The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5. The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!"

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said:

- You know what I really feel like honey ?

"Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces:

- If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says:

- If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces:

- If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks:

- Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?

Mrs. Goldfarb answers:

- I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said, 'Fuck the rabbi.'

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am - he said - but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?

- Oh, yes - said the lady of the house.

- I'm going to take a milk bath.

- Do you want it pasteurized?

- No, just up to my tits would be fine.

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said:

- Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?

The hooker replied:

- Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20.

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

IDEAL DATE

- At 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- At 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"

- At 35 "Just come over."

- At 48 "Just come over and cook."

- At 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.