Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?
→ The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that," he says. "I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet.

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, "Why are you crying?"

He answered, "An Apple hit me on the head."

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, "Why are you crying?"

He answered, "A Bannana hit me on the head."

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, "Why are you laughing?"

He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"

The Perfect Day - Her

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light Breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

• 6:45 Alarm.
• 7:00 Shower and massage.
• 7:30 Blowjob.
• 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
• 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
• 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
• 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
• 12:30 Blowjob.
• 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
• 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
• 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
• 6:15 Blowjob.
• 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
• 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
• 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
• 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
• 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
• 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
• Midnight Blowjob
• Sleep

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
→ Hump me dump me

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)