Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

Why can't blondes water-ski?
→ When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

- Mom: How?

- Daughter: Oh, stuff....

- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

- Daughter: I don't know.....

- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

- Daughter: Really?

- Mom: Really...

- Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK."

He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

• Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").
• Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.
• Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.
• Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
• Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
• One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
• Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.
• SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
• Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
• Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
• Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
• Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.
• Whiffers: see Poohs.