Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.

The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"

Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

What do a moped and a blonde have in common?
→ They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary's."

What do you call a blonde lesbian?
→ A waste.

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
→ Hugh Grant.

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick.

The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.

The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over there? Bam. Got her."