Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

How is a man like a snowstorm?
→ You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
→ So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Really! What are you taking for it?

- (with a grin) Black pepper!

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said, "Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies."

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank, "Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!"

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

What is the best way to hunt bear?
→ With your clothes off.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

What do hookers do on their night off?
→ Type.

How are women and rocks alike?
→ You skip across the flat ones.

What is the difference between medium and rare?
→ 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.