Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Take the test...

NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?

Got your guess ready yet?

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

They shake hands!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says... "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

"What do you want for breakfast?" asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied, "i'll have some of those fucken thanks."

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

"Now what do you want for breakfast?" the dad asked the other twin.

"Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure," the twin replied.

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having sex in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck to a halt inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!"
The man replied nonchalantly: "Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful?
→ Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning!"

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?"

He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear."

She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?"

"I think I did a damn good job!"