Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied.

"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.

"I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.

She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.

"Maybe you should iron it." he replied.

Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
→ She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
→ She thought her maxi pad had wings

What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
→ "Thanks for the refill!"

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came.

"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call."

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"

"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out."

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!"

"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance."

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!"

"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?"

"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"

- Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?

- Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.

Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.

Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, "I'll grant you one wish".

So the mexican says - "ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy".

The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon!

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.