Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
→ "No, I just lie there."

What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
→ Einstein's dick.

What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.

Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.

Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.

How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
→ She's the one sleeping with the writer.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
→ Mega-sore-ass.

Young Charlie to dentist's sexy chariside assistant "Aha! Are you the lady orthodontist?".
The lady replied "No, but I'll straighten anyone's teeth"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says, "I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!"

"Anything," says Cinderella, "anything!"

"Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin," says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies, "Peter, Peter something or other?"

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw.

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy.

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran. Advantage: Draw.

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.