Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said:

- I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said:

- Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.

She replied:

- I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said:

- Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.

She said:

- You tell him. He is the one shaving you.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

Why are blondes like corn flakes?
→ Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
→ They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.

- Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan? - he asked.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.

- Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan? - he asked again.

- Oh no, Father. Just a little gas. - She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said:

- What a cute little fart!

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says:

- I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says:

- Not big enough.

She brings out a bigger one. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She says:

- Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?