Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

- Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein

- What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima

- It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso

- How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras

- You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo

- Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney

- Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah

- Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.

- Fuck Logic! - Spock

- I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader

- Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks:

- where do you want it, front or back?

A Decorator says:

- how do you like it now that it's up?

A Bank manager says:

- don't take it out you'll lose interest!

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says:

- Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says:

- Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says:

- You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

- Wow! - say the other two.

- That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

- No, but it happened to me sister! - replies the Irish guy.

Why do blondes always drink with straws?
→ Practice.

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.

- What the heck is wolf style? - you ask.

That's when you sit by the hole and howl!

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.

- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

A young man walks up and sits at the bar.

- What can I get you? - the bartender inquires.

- I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, - responded the young man.

- 6 shots! Are you celebrating something?

- Yeah, my first blow job.

- Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.

- No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.