Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
→ A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!

So, I recently took a tour of the White House, and on the tour our guide pointed out the new name to the "Oval Office", seems someone liked the name the "Oral Office" better!

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:

- One, you have not studied your lesson.

- Two, you have a dirty mind.

- And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him:

- Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says:

- Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied:

- Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:

- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:

- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says:

- You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl:

- Well, what do you have to say NOW?

So she pulls up her dress and says:

- My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called:

- Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!

- I doubt it - he said sadly.

- I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

- Young man, witches can do anything - she said.

- I'm going to perform a witch miracle.

She said:

- ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief:

- Is this all true? - he asked.

- Of course - she said.

- But to keep it true you must do one thing.

- Anything! - he said.

- Anything!

- You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked:

- Sonny, how old are you?

- I'm thirty-two - he said.

- Tell me something, then - she said.

- Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:

- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:

- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another:

- Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated:

- Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

- Well - the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time "I" got lost...

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!