Random joke from this category
(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
Foul play has not been ruled out.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
→ Men always miss them!
A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says:
- I don't want to go hunting because its cold out, and I've never been butt fucked before, so I think I'll go with the blowjob.
So she's down there doing her thing and suddenly she says:
- your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says:
- yeah, the dog didn't want to go hunting either.
One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children:
- I have something long and yellow behind my back.
The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said:
- no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.
Next she said:
- I have something round and red.
Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher:
- I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it.
Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded.
Little Johnny then said:
- No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!
Whats the difference between a pig and a fox?
→ A 12-pack of beer!
what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...
Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...
Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...
Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...
Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...
What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...
Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...
Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...
Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...
Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...
How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...
What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...
How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...
What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
→ Her ankles.
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
→ A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her breasts!
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:
- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?
The farmer's wife replied:
- It needs to be a little bigger around.
So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.
About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:
- How does it feel now?
The farmer's wife responded:
- I think it needs to be a little longer.
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.
The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:
- How was the Martian man?
To this, the farmer's wife replied:
- Fine.
- And how about the Martian woman?
The farmer replied:
- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!
Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?
→ Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!
