Random joke from this category
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."
Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".
Two men sitting beside one another in a bar.
The 1st man is an average size guy weighing about 170 lbs.
The 2nd man is a huge fat guy weighing about 375 lbs.
The 2nd guy asks the 1st guy, "When you have sex with a woman, do you always hit bottom?"
The 1st guy replies, "It depends on the woman, how about you?"
The 2nd guy replies, "I always hit bottom, no matter who I'm with."
Of course you can't help but to hit bottom when you "mash it flat".
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
→ Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
How do old people have oral sex?
→ They talk about it.
There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's "my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them between your legs, that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right.
The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's, "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between my legs and warm it up." So he does.
She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks, "Mom have you ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.
What's a blonde's favorite wine?
→ "Daddy! can I go to Miami!"
What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ There are some things even a blonde won't do.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
→ She moved.
Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
→ They think someone is taking their picture.
What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
→ You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Why do blondes have square breasts?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
→ You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Why can't blondes count to 70?
→ Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.
What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
→ "Mary... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
→ The noise gave her a headache.
What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
→ Not everyone has been in a 747.
What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, guys!"
