Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

"Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked.

"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
→ So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

• Mypenis ate my homework.
• Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• I love giving Mypenis a bath.
• At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
• Help! I can't find Mypenis!
• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
• Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
• Stop kicking Mypenis.
• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
• Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
• Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
• Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
• Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

"Winnie The ????" It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!!"

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
→ A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
→ Butter is difficult to spread.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
→ To put their feet through.