Random joke from this category
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
- Oh, stop it - the young man scolds his organ:
- it's only me.
Why is the White House called the White House?
→ Sperm ain't purple!
A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend:
- I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.
Why did God give woman nipples?
→ To make suckers out of men.
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
- Sir, did you call for me?
Bob replies:
- No, what do you mean?
She says:
- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
- Sir, did you call for me?
Bob replies:
- No, what do you mean?
The Huge Man:
- You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
- May I help you?
Bob says:
- Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.
Receptionist:
- But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."
Bob replies:
- Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.
He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.
When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.
This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.
Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.
After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded:
- Where's my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.
When finished he looks down and sees. . "W Y" and says:
- Hey I said her name was Wendy
Man says "Don't worry shake it." . . . He does, . . and voila! - Wendy.
He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.
While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees "W Y" and says:
- W Y, huh?
Billy says oh! its my girlfriend's name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)
Jamaican says:
- Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.
Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W Y".
Billy says:
- Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?
- Ah no man. Mine says "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."
How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
→ The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!
A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.
While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his penis.
Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.
- How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick? - exclaimed Joan.
- How could I indeed! - said Mary.
- It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'
