Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Good girls say:

- thanks for a wonderful dinner...

Bad girls say:

- what's for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms. The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her:

- yes, we do.

They're right here behind the counter.

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman:

- is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am?.

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says:

- no, thank you, son.

I'm just waiting here to see who buys them.

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says:

- Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says:

- your right, I can't top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says:

- your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

What is 68 to a blonde?
→ Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
→ A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter:

- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:

- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter:

- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:

- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...

Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...

Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...

Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...

What did Adam say to Eve?
→ Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets...

Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist?
→ He had to learn how to read ilps...

Why are chickens so ugly?
→ You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead...

Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ Cause they dont know the words...

Where are an elephant's sex organs?
→ In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked...

How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
→ If she farts, her ankles will swell...

What's the ulitmate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep...

How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage?
→ Your Hefty bags are missing...